Conversations with God


i want to be young again.

Whatever for??

i'm drying out.

You smoke, and you don't moisturize often enough.

true. but it would be nice to have elasticity again.

I told you: twice a day, without fail, any kind of lotion and don't forget your neck. Didn't I say that?

more than once.

You're just preoccupied. You've always been preoccupied.

oh - You're one to talk; You made me this way. by the way, how am i doing on the free will thing? am i making choices that please You?

You're improving.

i aspire.

I know. That's all I ask.

so, how's it going in Afghanistan?

It's a mess. I'm so tired of people killing in My name, but what can I do?

it always comes back to the free will thing, doesn't it?

Yep. It was My doing; can't blame anyone else. I figured if I was going to create in My image, I had to include all aspects of Myself. It's a pity most humans lack the wisdom to grasp that simple concept.

listen, don't blame Yourself. if most people realized the capacity in which You operate, they would -- well, i guess they would grasp the concept then.

Exactly. You see the enigma.

clearly. well, i'm going to get online for a bit. if You want to play Literati later, i'll be in Semantics.

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

Remember this, all ye Americans who are quick to hate Muslims in the wake of recent terrorism: Timothy McVeigh claimed to practice Christianity. And I don't recall the persecution of Christian beliefs after his bombing of an Oklahoma City federal building...

3...go

2

1

Half Empty, Half Full

I've grown more lenient with my anger issues as my years have advanced, due mostly to the fact the anger of my youth threatens to raise the blood pressure of my middle years. I usually maintain an even keel but, lately . . . well, I've found myself just a wee bit annoyed with a household woe.

When I constructed my home, I purchased my water heater -- an Envi-Ro-Temprite -- from a nearby home improvement super store. It came recommended by one of the store's employees. I was a careful consumer; I shopped around, seeking the best value for my money.

After the new water heater came home with me and was installed, it seemed there was a tiny problem: a teeny drip at the pressure valve. I phoned the home improvement super store with my concerns and was cheerfully reminded by the man at the Service Desk to check the water heater for a sticker which read "IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM, DO NOT RETURN THIS WATER HEATER TO PLACE OF PURCHASE."

"There's an 800 number on it," said the helpful employee. "Call that number, they'll take care of it."

Famous last words.

"I have this leak," I said, after being cheerfully greeted by a lady at the service desk of the Envi-Ro-Temprite Water Heater factory. "The valve keeps dripping."

"It's the water pressure regulator on your water line, set too high," she said, explaining how I probably had too much water pressure going to the water heater, thus causing the drips. "Check the setting and make sure it's at 50."

After saying goodbye, I checked the setting and it was at 50. So, I phoned her again a few days later.

"Hi, I called the other day? Well, I checked my pressure regulator on the water line and it's set at 50," I said. "But the drip is not going away; in fact, it's dripping a little more now. I have this Tupperware bowl under the valve and --"

"A bowl?? You don't have a hose?" she said. "You need to drill through the floor and connect a hose to the valve. That way when it drips, it doesn't ruin your floor, it goes under your house."

A hole through my floor? Water under my house?

"I have lived in many homes during my life," I said. "Not one had a dripping water heater valve nor a hole in the floor. Are you certain it isn't a defective valve?"

"No, it's not the valve, that's normal," she said. "That's why people put a hose through the floor. Maybe the valve hasn't seated correctly yet but give it time and it will."

I trusted she knew the water heater ropes, so I hung up and waited still longer. As the weeks ensued, a use of hot water in my home produced two cups of drips each time.

Every time.

Without fail.

I began to have a bit of doubt about the qualifications of the Envi-Ro-Temprite service lady and I phoned her again.

"Hi, I called about two months ago with a dripping valve problem," I said. "I really think it's a defective valve; the drips are worse. I get about two quarts of drips now, every time I use my hot water."

"How do you know?" she said.

"How do I know?? I have a bowl catching the water."

"If you drill a hole in the floor and run a hose through it," she said. "That will take care of the problem."

"Ma'am," I said. "I think the problem is a defective pressure valve. I've spoken to a lot of people in the past few months and no one I know has a hole in their floor, or a dripping valve. Couldn't you just send someone to replace the valve?"

"It could be your water pressure regulator," she said and, at that juncture, I thanked her and asked to speak to her supervisor.

"It's just me here," she chirped.

I replaced the receiver, wondering why I hadn't simply rented an apartment instead of building a house. Briefly recalling a Tom Hank's film, The Money Pit, I sighed and vowed to get a bigger bowl.

Well, one year and countless gallons of drips later, I have become just a wee bit angry. Whenever I use any hot water, the drips just go to waste in that Tupperware bowl. I've been considering all the money I've lost by not putting a hose through the floor: I could have opened a booming Envi-Ro-Temprite Mud Bath franchise and be living high on the hog from the profits. But I just keep emptying that bowl.

LESSON FOR THE DAY: Never underestimate the value of a missed opportunity.

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AD/HD and OCD

I think some folks' ADD would be more accurately defined as "when creatively unchallenged, gets bored and leaves." HD might be "should have chosen hard sports as a career," and OCD would definitely be "apply for work in government think tank."

Conditions aside, we live in a world gone mad.