Today is just a day I wish I had the time to write more parody like this:

SURVIVOR - How I Almost Won The Million Dollar Prize
by emily moorehead, copyright 2000

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WEEK ONE:

When they dropped me on the island, I really had no idea what I was in for. I truly thought it would be more of a vacation that it's been so far.

The first day, I had to construct a shelter so I chose palm fronds, lashed together with the string I'd brought with me as my one personal item. There's a lot to be said for string. My grandmother used to collect string and she found a million uses for it. Well, maybe not a million but, thanks to my string, I'm sleeping quite comfortably. I had to sleep on the ground the first few nights but, by the end of the third day, I had found the time to macrame a hammock and a gathering bag.

I still have a lot of string left.

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WEEK TWO:

Well, thank goodness I wasn't voted off the island last week. In fact, seven other island members came to me -all of them secretly- and ask me to weave them hammocks, too. They all promised that they would not vote me off the island if I would make them hammocks which they would exchange for food. Now I don't have to worry about eating. What a great opportunity for me and I finished two hammocks in just five days.

I'm glad I brought all this string.

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WEEK THREE:

Finished two more hammocks again this week. At this rate, I'm guaranteed at least another week and a half before anyone will dare even entertain the thought to vote me off this island.

This week, the producers had an interesting challenge for the teams: go out and pull back a heavy chest from the floor of the ocean about 1,000 yards out. I made a sturdy rope with my string and our team won because of it.

I think I actually have a good shot at the million dollar prize.

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WEEK FIVE:

I meant to make a diary entry last week but just didn't have the time because four of the hammock people came to me wanting gathering bags now so I spent last week making the two more hammocks and two bags. However, one of the traders brought me only bugs to eat last week so he didn't pick up his swinging bed until this week: he borrowed my gathering bag and returned with it full of fish.

The last hammock trader picked hers up this week. She was ecstatic that she wouldn't have to sleep down with the snakes anymore.

Only two more gathering bags to go. And I'm making more rope, too, to use as lassos for our next challenge: catching a wild boar.

Grandma, you would be so proud of me.

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WEEK SIX:

Those sons of bitches. I delivered the remaining two gathering bags last night only to be voted off the island by those sneaky, lying rat bastards. One of them actually had the nerve to ask me if he could have the rest of my string. When I went back to my hut to get this journal, I slipped out the back frond. I'm staying on this island and winning that money.

It's morning now and I don't think I have much to worry about. They didn't find me but I sure found them. One by one. I was very clever, too; I took the lassos apart and they made wonderful nooses.

Grandma, I am so glad you taught me the many benefits of string.

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